Thursday, February 18, 2010

Hit Upside the Head

So after leaving my day job at the magazine today I head over to the restaurant where I wait tables a couple nights a week. I don't mind it here too much as it's a family owned joint, pretty laid back, with only a handful of employees, all of whom I like for the most part. The place is especially drama free for a restaurant. I can come here and do mindless work, earn a few extra bucks and go home. It's a bit degrading to me (my own issue, I know) when I have to wait on someone I went to high school with or the like. I always find myself explaining why the hell I'm working here in between "what would you like to drink" and "would you like any parmesan cheese for your pasta?"
Anywhoo...I'm going along playing the role of cheerful servant all the while mulling over in my head the same thing I mull over 99.9% of my day; "So what IS IT EXACTLY that I want my life's work to be? What was I put here to do?" I get an epiphany. It's one I've had before but came on especially strong at the soda fountain tonight. "I want to work with kids. Yes, I definitely want to work with kids on expressing their creativity, building their self confidence, doing art projects. I can incorporate yoga, movement, and breathing exercises! I will have a
really cool office and it will be amazing!" I get really excited about this and get all warm and fuzzy inside. I start heading to the back of the kitchen to grab some rags to wipe down a counter where I encounter one of the chefs's sons playing with a ginormous nurf gun. I smile at him when suddenly he aims his gun at me with a calculating 11 yr. old grin on his face. He fires, narrowly hitting me in my face. "Roberts, don't shoot me with that thing, o.k.? I mean it. " He proceeds to stick his tongue out at me and smirk then aiming the nerf gun at me again. "Who cares?!" He shouts in a bratty, and antagonizing tone. "I do. I'm trying to work and I don't want to be plowed in the face with a plastic suction cup." I am so irritated with this boy that I become aghast at myself. "Oh shit. Maybe I'm not cut out to work with kids" I think to myself. A few minutes later I talk myself down. "Well maybe this is the Universe's way of saying 'Yes. This will be challenging, but yes'."

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Listening to a Whisper

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know much about technology and computers, like math and science, technology and computers in general have always felt a bit intimidating to me. I have always said "Oh I'm terrible at math." Or "I'm not a science person." However, in eighth grade I had a talented teacher that had the ability to show me the way to figure out an equation and it was thrilling. And I know there are some scientific things that can stir some interest in me...even if they do lean towards the metaphysical.

I am on a journey. A journey to find my calling in life. I refuse to settle for a job. I refuse to settle for what my parents may deem a respectable profession. I want fireworks. I want heart racing, breath taking, "Ah, this is why I am here" moments- I want them on a daily basis. And I will stop at nothing until I figure out just what it is that will provide this for me. I am ferociously searching, the way a starving person would search for a morsel of food. I am following the bread crumbs. I don't know why but my gut says to start this blog. I am "trusting in the process" as one of the hundreds of self help books I have read recommends. Maybe this blog will just be a sort of captain's log that only benefits myself. Maybe it will be something more. At this point I don't have the answers, I'm just following orders.