Caveat

I've heard this word "caveat" literally 5 times today. From several different media sources. Public radio, the newspaper, an internet article, magazine article, and just now on Gossip Girl. Yes, I do indulge in mindless t.v. from time to time. Anyway, I thought the universe must be sending me a message with this word today and felt it only right to acknowledge it.

So...I'm just getting home and settled after a long day of working my "real job" at the magazine, as well as my job waiting tables. It is 11:15 p.m. I am trying not to think of how dreadful I will feel when my alarm goes off in the morning to scream at me with it's jarring "Beeeeep Beeeep Beeeep" as if a 18 wheeler is backing into my bedroom and even scarier, about to crash into my actual bed. I will snooze it approximately 4 or 5 times, maybe 6, before I actually arise like a zombie, do the "thread the needle" yoga pose on each side, while still in bed and then finally as if I am walking to my death, will stumble into the bathroom to rid myself of the inevitable morning breath.

My mornings have been this pathetic for quite some time now. I hate to sound cliche' by using the term, "vicious cycle", but it is the best way my numb mind can describe my weekdays. Staying up late at night due to my evening gig waiting tables. Coming home and trying, but failing to decipher the most valuable use of my time. Will it be playing with my beloved dogs, tidying up my condo, journaling, reading all the yoga material I'm totally behind on, blogging, paying bills, working on my goals...the list goes on and on. Inevitably I stay up way longer than intended, before I finally shame myself to go to bed. Six or seven hours later the lovely "morning routine" I described above ensues.

I won't even bore you with the ins and outs of my actual work day. I know, I know, I am REALLY feeling sorry for myself. Things could most definitely be sufficiently worse. I do remind myself everyday of how lucky I am to have a job, two (jobs) actually, that between the two of them pay my bills. No there isn't much left over after that but...well that's what I'm working on. I have a condo that I feel at home in and definitely needs some work but I do have a vision for it.... somewhat.... with the help of a very talented interior designer acquaintance.

Anywhoo...I'm actually feeling pretty damn optimistic today, minus the usual exhaustion, burnout, ready- to- find- my- life's- purpose- urgency that pervades most my days. I'm feeling very confident that I'm on to something. More than just something. I'll keep you posted.

XOXO~ Ashley

p.s. Did I mention about the classes I taught at Shine Movement Studio last week? My first ever real yoga classes. So empowering!

High Dive

Do you ever make plans with a friend of yours who you have so much respect and admiration for that you start feeling a bit small right before you rush off to see them?

I do. I probably feel this way about more than one of my friends. I know that it's nobody's fault. It's surely not theirs for being so awesome and I refuse to take the blame for feeling so tender.

I tend to have a lot of shame about the place I am in career wise and financially at this stage in my life. I feel like most of the people I know are so much further along the path than I am. It's not for lack of trying, that's for sure. I feel like I have been on an archeological dig for the last 10 yrs. with no bones to show the boss man.

Last week during a visit with a lovely friend of mine, one who is in law school and practically engaged to a Harvard medical student, I found myself saying to her with a certain amount of self pity, "I have just never been one of those people who has always known exactly what they wanted to do." She said something back to me that struck a chord. It is not something I had never heard before but yet it was as if I was really hearing it for the first time. "I don't think most people do always know what they want to do. I just felt it was time to decide on something, and I really liked law. It is something I feel even more passionate about now that I am this far into it. At this point I've committed and sacrificed so much to this path there is no going back."

Hmmm...It was a light bulb moment. Maybe I've been looking so hard for"the work I was put on earth to do" that I have been eliminating things (careers) that aren't PERFECT. Now, I know every career has it's ups and downs, but I have had this idea in my mind that there is one specific job out there for me and I have refused to settle until I found "it." Maybe there isn't just one perfect job for everyone but many that would be great for each person. Maybe it's time that I just leaped into what I love and think I might be great at, even if it doesn't fall into the diameters of a title, or even a job or career I've ever heard of. Perhaps I have thought that if I looked hard enough I would one day stumble upon the perfect job for me wrapped up in a neat little package complete with a manual on how to get from point A to point B and a list of all responsibilities and what to expect. Has this been my problem?

Maybe it's time I quit watching all the big kids jump off the high dive and go ahead and do it

myself.

xoxo ~ Ashley